Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
