can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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