Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
