I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
