Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
