Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
