Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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