I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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