Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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