theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
