do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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