Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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