My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My pussy is not your playground.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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