I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
