i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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