I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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