i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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