The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
