we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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