How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
