He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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