Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
