if i died would you start the facebook group?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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