i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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