Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He passed out mid-signature
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
