I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
