I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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