I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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