i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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