Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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