We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You don't make any sense
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