ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
