Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
