i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
