We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
