Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
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Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
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Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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