When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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