I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
