There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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