I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
