Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
