if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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