Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
