I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
