Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
