I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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