Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
