just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
