I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
