Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
