Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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