You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
