Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
