take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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