So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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