I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
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Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
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Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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