i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
