Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
