is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
