The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
